I used to post on my blog all the time and then facebook happened and I felt everyone who read my blog was on facebook so I didn't need to really write anything here since most of my stuff was on there! Anyway, blogging is definitely better for events and thoughts and other things that would take up too much space on facebook! :o)
Anyway, I haven't written since I got pregnant and I thought this would be a good time (before the baby comes) to sit down and write a little bit about my experience thus far. I am going to be completely honest with everything and I guess with that said...here it goes:
I never wanted kids. Yep, you read that right. I was never the type to raise my hand in church when the question was asked, "what do you want to be when you grow up?" and say, "a mom." I don't know why, it just didn't seem to be in my "nature" to want kids. It wasn't that I wanted to be some high power, working woman or CEO or anything like that, I just never saw myself with kids. I did not enjoy watching other people's children although I did it often (maybe that's why I didn't want kids ;o) Just kidding!). So...I got married which was something I always dreamed of. I did not think I would be married so young but the thought of marriage never scared me. I just never really thought of anything past getting married (i.e. having kids).
So, I got married when I was barely 19--we're talking not even a month after my 19th birthday. I knew the topic of having a family was going to come up eventually but Steven and I both agreed that I would finish my education first and we were really in no rush. We felt good about this decision. However, it was hard/frustrating/annoying always answering the "so when are you going to have kids?" question. I didn't feel like it was anyone's business to know and it was something between my husband, myself and the Lord.
Anyway, fast forward a few years later to 2010. Steven was becoming kind of frustrated with me because he wanted a family so bad and I was just fine with the way life was. However, I came to the conclusion that having a baby was just going to have to be a leap of faith for me. Some people disagree with the viewpoint but the way I look at it is: I've never had a baby, I have absolutely NO clue what it is like or what it will be like. All I knew was that it's supposed to be a good thing and we're supposed to do it. So...although it wasn't something I was extremely thrilled about or wanting very badly, we decided to start trying for a baby.
Two days after Thanksgiving I found out I was pregnant and I wanted to faint. Seriously. I had to lay down on the bed and fan myself because I thought I was going to pass out. I thought once I found out I was pregnant everything would change and I would be super excited and all the feelings I once had about having kids would be gone!
Wrong. People would ask me if I was excited and I'd kind of shrug and say "I guess..." Again, I didn't know WHAT to be excited about. Afterall, I'd never had a kid before! They'd tell me, "just wait until you know the gender" or" wait until you feel the baby move". Well, these things started happening and I still wasn't THAT excited. It was neat but still just foreign to me.
I felt so out of place for a while because other pregnant people would talk about how much they loved their baby and for me, I just couldn't understand how I could love someone/something that I couldn't see and didn't know what he looked like (hopefully that sentence makes sense!).
Anyway, here I am now. I am definitely excited to meet this little guy in 4-5 weeks. I know once he is here that my feelings will be changed. I just know it. I know I will love him more than life itself and I know I will think he is beautiful and I will be so happy I (we-steven and myself) made the decision to have a baby.
I have always been the type of person who doesn't really get excited for something before it happens, rather, right when it happens. Like, going on vacation. I'm not excited packing or anything, I'm excited once we're THERE! So, I know that's how it'll be for this baby. I know a lot of it is I still feel like a baby myself and not at all ready to be a MOM. Weird.
Anyway, I'll post another about my actual pregnancy so I have record of it.
2 comments:
I like it when people are super honest. It's GOOD. A lot of people just focus on the good and leave out the bad, but the good AND bad are all apart of life.
I'm glad you're having a baby. They teach you SO much. In a small small way, it teaches you how God must feel about us.
Hey, I've been the same way. I have never wanted to be a mom. And right now, I'm preparing for it before I get married and have a family. I had to learn to want those feelings of being a mother because they didn't come naturally. I found an article on lds.org that says about the same things you said in this post. I think a lot of women feel this way but we don't talk about it cause it's not our "nature". We have other options now, like getting a career, whereas 100 years ago they were expected to be mothers and that was it. Now that it's not in our culture to prepare women to be mothers, all the negative things get said. I like hearing the positives and it is what you make it. Just like if you think of all the bad things that happen in your day instead of the good, of course life won't seem grand to you. Thanks for posting it cause I whole-heartedly agree. You're just a few steps ahead of me so you get to try it out first ;D
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